And Then Everything Blew Up

Is it weird that I want to go back to Ithaca already?

It's not that this place doesn't feel like home. It's that I'm starting to notice a pattern. Whenever I go somewhere new, or see people again after awhile away, the fear comes back. I guess in general, change isn't too good when you've got panic disorder. Plus, I mean, really, what did I expect? Airplanes+stress of travel+seeing people again+Red-Eyed Monster=Recipe For Disaster.

And the fact that I know better than to take the fear seriously doesn't really help. You can't reason with fear. Though I was pretty proud of myself--had a minor panic attack last night, but worked through it; without drugs, too.

I'll be over things in a day or two, at any rate. I just don't want what happened last time I came back for Winter Break to happen again this year. I had an attack over break, but thought nothing of it--then had another the day after I got back to Ithaca, one so bad I pretty much didn't sleep. It led into a long-term anxiety...thing...such as I hadn't experienced since this started.

Well. Enough talk of death. And stuff.

Went whale-watching yesterday. It was lovely; I love boats. We didn't see anything on the way out, but as we were coming back we ran into three humpbacks who were relatively friendly. And for the first time, I got pictures, hooray!

Was exhausted when I came back and would have fallen asleep, but then dinner was on.

Been watching the second season of House. Love.

And Jules, I downloaded all the necessities, but I'm excersising incredible self-control by not watching them until we're back.

Then I went on errands today, originally just meaning to get lightbulbs. Dear god alive, do you have any idea the difference that flourescent lightbulbs make?? I got home and I was like, "Why the fuck is it so irritatingly dim in my room?" I'm so used to flourescents by now, incandescents these days are just...gah! I couldn't even work up there. So yeah, I went and got flourescent bulbs, woot and I can finally stand to actually be in there now. I might end up buying flourescents for the whole damn house. I'm in the family room now and...ugh.

Anyway, yes. I'd originally intended just to get the bulbs, but I asked my mom and she wanted detergent. And then I thought, "Well, I also need shaving cream. And I should check out Borders, there's probably some manga out."

I came back with, um...six or seven? Let's see...Black Cat, Monster, D. Gray Man, Il Gatto Sul G, Inverloch, and...hm...oh, right--Death Note, Air Gear and FMA. That's eight. Because I am a fucking retard. Oh, and I got Tammy's Squire, the next one after Page, even though I told myself I wouldn't because, to reiterate, I am a fucking retard. What the hell is wrong with me? I assumed I'd be picking up, like, five or so because it's been awhile since I've checked out a decent manga selection--B&N sucks. But really--eight?! Gaaaah.

Anyway, Jules, you've got some reading to do when we get back.

Hm...there was more I was gonna say, but I've forgot.

Well, in the writing realm--panic always tends to kill the muse, at least to some degree, but I've gotten a little done. I need to think about homework as well.

Watching Anne of Green Gables right now. I love this movie, I don't care what anyone says. It's hilarious.